The surprising reality of how teenage girls still define themselves
A private room in Carmarthen, Wales, bears a hand-drawn sign that reads “GIRLS ONLY” and “Boy’s don’t Eneter!” with a playful addition: “don’t worry boys!” The message, adorned with vibrant hearts and stars, marks the setting where I joined a dozen girls at the DRMZ youth club. They were immersed in a card game when I arrived, their laughter mingling with the hum of a nearby pizza order. This encounter formed part of my Radio 4 series *About The Girls*, which included interviews with roughly 150 young women, predominantly aged 13 to 17. Their perspectives, shared around that table, resonated with the broader themes emerging from the series.
Similar to the conversations with boys in my earlier project *About The Boys*, these discussions revealed a consistent pattern. The girls were sharp, articulate, and deeply insightful, yet their self-perception remained tethered to the presence of boys. One remarked, “Growing up as a girl, so much of that is about how boys are behaving around you and what they’re doing to you. So there isn’t really a way to talk about that without mentioning boys… and it is frustrating.” This sentiment echoed across the interviews, underscoring a persistent dynamic.
A lens shaped by boys
During the session, the dialogue shifted between card games, school gossip, and social media trends. A debate about Cheese Feast slices and the role of boys in shaping girls’ identities emerged. The girls’ answers to the question, “What is it really like to be a girl in 2025/26? Tell me the truth, don’t be polite!” began with boys. One said, “Well boys think/say/want/feel…”. This pattern felt like a real-life manifestation of the Bechdel Test, a standard that requires at least two named women to discuss something unrelated to men. Yet none of the interviews met this criterion.
The irony was palpable. Despite freely expressing their views, the girls often described adjusting their behavior in mixed company. “We don’t want to be seen as too much, too loud, or weird,” one shared. “We’re trying to be smaller and quieter.” Teachers noted this as well, describing girls as “keeping their heads down” and “flying below the radar.” Alison Harbor, the youth center manager, observed, “The boys at the club are quite vocal… and pretty confident in sharing their opinions. Today, the girls were the same! My worry is that they usually internalise a lot of their troubles…”
Dr. Ola Demkowicz, a senior lecturer in the psychology of education at Manchester Institute of Education, has explored similar themes in her research. She noted, “There is certainly a pressure that we heard from young women around that — really translating into they need to be polite and respectful, and that they feel the behaviour expectations on them were…”
